I feel that I have a unique perspective on Mothers day. My husband and I have been married for ten years and we struggle with infertility. The only thing that I ever wanted to be was a mom and as I saw all my friends get married and then have kids right away, I felt left out. I was broken and therefore would never see my dreams happen. Seven years ago I posted this message on our family blog and honestly thought that this would be my life.
A MOM WANNABE
I want to be a mom. But I cant. Instead, I'm a mom wannabe.
I want to procreate. I want to conceive a child naturally with my husband, in the privacy of our home, in the spirit of love and passion, in the way God intended. But I cant. Instead, a Doctor, a laboratory and a test tube will try to assist God with our conception.
I want to discover that my period is several days late. I want to buy a pregnancy test and pee on a stick. I want to see the + sign. I want to cry tears of joy for the news wed discover. But I cant. Instead, I cry tears of pain at random, for no reason and with no warning.
I want to experience morning sickness. I want my hormones to go haywire. I want the pregnant glow I want to have my husband talk to my belly. But I cant. Instead, I try not to look pregnant. I don't buy clearance clothes for next year, just in case. I try to keep my emotions from going haywire. I dream that my husband talks to my belly.
I want to take pre-natal vitamins. I want to eat for two. I want to schedule my first doctors visit. I want to sit in the waiting room with other pregnant women and know that I am one of them. But I cant. Instead, I wonder if those pregnant women ever had problems conceiving. I think how cute they look as they waddle with their big bellies. I smile at babies that are not mine. I ache from loving someone I've never met.
I want to hear the Doctor say, You are pregnant. Your progress is right on schedule. But I cant. Instead I hear: I am sorry Lets try one more cycle Technology is really improving.
I want to surprise my parents with a new grandchild. I want to tell my family and friends our good news. I want my life to change overnight. I want to read What to Expect When You are Expecting. But I cant. Instead, I have no news to tell. I realize my life hasn't changed in years. I read When Empty Arms Leave a Heavy Burden.
I want to monitor the progress. I want to see the ultrasounds. I want to hear the heartbeat. I want to watch our baby grow. I want to feel the kicks. But I cant. Instead, I take the injections. I give blood. I watch my eggs grow and pray they fertilize. My embryos are transferred, while my husband watches our conception from across the room. I wait. I pray. I wait for the one phone call that can make our life better. Or worse.
I want to decorate the nursery. I want to childproof our home. I want to shop for adorable, soft, tiny outfits. I want to shop at Gymboree. I want to save money for the baby. But I cant. Instead, I imagine a crib in the empty room down the hall. I avoid the baby stores in the mall. We spend our money on Doctor appointments, tests and high tech procedures. We spend our money on a dream. We are left with an empty bank account. We are left with empty arms.
I want to share the experience with my pregnant friends. I want to compare symptoms. I want to be the guest of honor at a baby shower. But I cant. Instead I watch my friends get pregnant quickly. I watch their bellies grow attend their showers, see their pictures and try to be a good friend. I watch their lives change and our friendships change in front of my eyes.
I want my belly to drop. I want my water to break. I want contractions. I want an epidural. I want my husband by my side and my family in the waiting room. I want the pushing. I want the pain. I want to hear the cry. But I cant. Instead I feel a different pain. I hear my own cry. Yes I even hear the cry of my husband which hurts more than I had ever imagined.
I want to hold our baby in my arms, with tears of joy streaming down our faces. I want to experience the miracle of birth thinking, We did it! but knowing that God did it. But I cant. Instead I hold my husband in my arms with tears of sorrow streaming down our faces and wonder what God''s plan is for us and why we have to go through this.
I want to pray that one extra special blessing be added to my life. And I do. I pray my 1000th unanswered prayer to God and hope that this time He answers. I pray for the miracle of life that only God can give. I pray that someday soon, He will give it to us.
Written by: Allison Kathleen Whitney
We moved to Georgia after college graduation and that's when we decided to start the adoptive process. We worked with LDS Family Services and got approved for adoption in February of 2011. I was so excited to be a mom but had so many questions. Would I be a good mom? How was I going to connect with the baby? And the biggest question was who would I talk to about all my problems because my mother had passed away in October of 2008. I was so afraid and again felt alone. I knew that I had good friends around me, but doesn't every girl need her mother at some point in those first few years of parenthood.
Disclaimer: I have an amazing mother-in-law and my father got remarried to a wonderful woman. I am grateful to have these two examples in my life, but they aren't my mother and they both recognize that.
In June of 2011, we moved back to Utah because my husband got a job at UVU (Utah Valley University). With LDS Family Services, when you move states, you have to pay a transfer fee and we were due to go through the application process again,so Justin and I decided to put that money towards possible figuring out what the heck was wrong with me.
I knew that I had PCOS (Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) and in Georgia, a doctor had diagnosed me with pre-mature ovarian failure (after consulting WebMD about my symptoms), but I wondered if there was maybe something else going on. I was reading a blog (which I almost never did at the time) and saw a post about an incredible infertility doctor. I checked with our insurance and he was covered. Later that month, I made our first appointment with Dr. Russell Foulk at the Utah Fertility Center.
They tested us both for issues and when Justin's test came back negative, I felt so inadequate because then I knew that it was ALL my fault. My tests were different and we found out that I have a benign tumor in my head right next to my sinus cavity that secretes prolactin, the nursing hormone. So basically, in addition to PCOS, my body though I was constantly nursing because of the high levels of prolactin in my system. Apparently this tumor is so common that they have medicine for it. I started taking the medicine and within four months we were told that we could start trying to have a child.
Now four years later, we have three miracles thanks to Utah Fertility Center and this mothers day I celebrated being a mom with my three year old telling me that I am her best friend. I have an angel mother, a step-mother and a mother-in-law. I have been a hopeful mother, a wannabe mother, a possible adoptive mother, a frustrated with God for not letting me be a mother mother, and a soon to be mother.
Today I am a mother and I know that all my trials have made me stronger. Happy mothers day to all the amazing women that are in my life. We are all mothers and have the power to influence those around us for good each day.
